Post by eclipse. on Jan 31, 2011 1:51:12 GMT -5
A man picks up a girl in a party. They proceed to her place and things are
starting to heat up. He takes his shirt off and washes his hands. He takes
his pants off and washes hands again.
So the girl tells him: "I bet you're a dentist."
Surprised he says: "that's correct, how did you know?"
"You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it." They go
on and they have sex.
Then she says: "you know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist."
"How can you tell?" he asks.
"I didn't feel a thing..."
----------------
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they
asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project'
said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after
school.
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right
that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask
for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your
son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three
times.
---------------------
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it
for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limit 0 to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a 105.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, " All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of
persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger"
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as his driver."
----------------------
One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.
The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.
Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.
After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.
"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the line!"
------------------------
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted
-------------------------------------
(offense alert)
so there is a plane with 4 engines. one engine goes out and the pilot say "well, we are going to throw all the luggage off and see if we can still fly" so the luggage is all thrown off. then a second engine goes out, and they are once again fallin. the pilot says" im sorry but people are going to have to start jumping. we will go by alphabeticle order. african americans" ... no one gets up... "blacks" ... no one gets up... " colored folks"... still no one gets up. a little boy looks up at his dad and says "dad we are all of those things" and his dad says "no son, today... today we're niggahs"
---------------------------
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car
salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw
a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as
he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he
thought, " What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police
car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in
10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you
can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her
back."
"Have a good weekend, Sir," said the policeman.
starting to heat up. He takes his shirt off and washes his hands. He takes
his pants off and washes hands again.
So the girl tells him: "I bet you're a dentist."
Surprised he says: "that's correct, how did you know?"
"You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it." They go
on and they have sex.
Then she says: "you know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist."
"How can you tell?" he asks.
"I didn't feel a thing..."
----------------
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they
asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project'
said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after
school.
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right
that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask
for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your
son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three
times.
---------------------
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it
for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limit 0 to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a 105.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, " All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of
persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger"
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as his driver."
----------------------
One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.
The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.
Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.
After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.
"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the line!"
------------------------
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted
-------------------------------------
(offense alert)
so there is a plane with 4 engines. one engine goes out and the pilot say "well, we are going to throw all the luggage off and see if we can still fly" so the luggage is all thrown off. then a second engine goes out, and they are once again fallin. the pilot says" im sorry but people are going to have to start jumping. we will go by alphabeticle order. african americans" ... no one gets up... "blacks" ... no one gets up... " colored folks"... still no one gets up. a little boy looks up at his dad and says "dad we are all of those things" and his dad says "no son, today... today we're niggahs"
---------------------------
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car
salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw
a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as
he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he
thought, " What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police
car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in
10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you
can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her
back."
"Have a good weekend, Sir," said the policeman.
Row your boat.